


The Most Selfish Thing

by tellthenight



Series: Rebuild 'Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Destiel - Freeform, M/M, human!Cas, life after hunting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-07
Updated: 2015-07-07
Packaged: 2018-04-08 02:47:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4287837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellthenight/pseuds/tellthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Sam and Dean haven't heard from Cas, they both know what it means. Dean goes to find him, ready for another one of those nights when Cas mourns his humanity, but this time is different.</p><p>This is a post-canon 'verse, set a few years after season 10. The Winchester brothers give up hunting for good and aim to live quiet for awhile, but it proves hard for everyone. This will be a series of one-shots that take place in the same verse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Selfish Thing

Dean had always worked hard and now especially he made a point of it. Kept his nose down, did good work, went home at the end of the day. His boss Jerry called him ‘dependable’ and Dean went back and forth between bristling at the word and edging at pride. Dependable was what he was going for these days. It was what they all needed.

 

Dean was at his station changing the oil on a minivan when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He wasn’t supposed to have it on him out in the garage, but when he left that morning something seemed off and he decided to keep it with him in spite of the rules. Dean couldn’t take the call right then, so he finished as quickly as he could. He slid out from under the car and swiped his hand on his coveralls to get rid of the worst of the oil and dirt before checking his phone. Missed call and message from Sam. He could listen to it later. Dean started to put the phone back in his pocket to get back to work, but it buzzed again, a text from Sam.

 

_Have you talked to Cas today?_

 

**No**

 

_He didn’t text back and I can’t get him to pick up._

 

**I’ll check on him.**

 

Dean checked off what he had to to finish the job on the minivan and told Joe he needed to leave the floor for a minute. He stole away for a moment and dialed Cas. Dean walked to the office as it rang and pushed open the door the second it hit voicemail. Jerry was quick to let him go for his family emergency. Dean had never asked for such a thing as time off, much less for a family emergency and Jerry being a family man didn’t hurt the situation. In reality it wouldn’t have mattered what Jerry said. Dean would have left anyway. He could find a mechanic job a lot of places and he’d start over like he had in the dozens of towns since they left hunting behind.

 

Dean stopped at the grocery store first, to pick up a few essentials they would need for the night he was pretty sure they were going to have, and then went straight on to find Cas.

 

The first thing he noticed when he pulled the impala into the driveway of the duplex, was that the front door was open. Dean grabbed the groceries from the trunk as well as a handgun. They had been found before, just not usually by anyone who would need to use the front door. Dean made his way up the path and the handful of steps to the front door, taking in every bit of information, looking for anything out of place. Nothing obvious stood out, so he pushed the door open a little further, so he could peek in and then a little more when nothing crazy was going on in the sliver of the living room he could see.

 

“Cas?” He called. “Cas!” He stepped full into the living room, staying still except for the slight rustle of the paper grocery bag in his arms. To the kitchen then, where he unloaded his goods on the counter and into the fridge as necessary. It only took two minutes, and he knew he had to do it now before he saw Cas, but it still felt like too long. He held the gun down at his side and started up the stairs, 90% sure of what he’d find, but unwilling to risk the 10%.

 

“Cas?” Dean didn’t call as much as ask, and he went down the hall to Sam’s room first, just to make sure it was empty, and while he was in there he heard Cas moan.

 

Down the hall and into Castiel’s room then, and he was where Dean knew he’d find him, huddled in the closet, his knees to his nose and his hands huddled over his head. Dean set the gun on top of the dresser and knelt down in front of Cas.

 

“Hey. You wanna watch a movie?”

 

Dean kept his gaze steady while he waited for Cas to respond. It always depended on how fast he or Sam caught it, and this time it hadn’t been early enough.

 

“Cas. It’s Dean.” Sometimes that fact hurt the situation more than anything and Dean had to let Sam handle those, but this time it worked and Cas raised his head and met Dean’s eyes.

 

“Dean…” His voice was thick and Dean watched tears well in his eyes and Cas choke them back.

 

“Come on out, man.” Dean stretched a hand toward him, never taking his eyes away. Cas accepted and let Dean pull him up and out. Cas sort of collapsed against him when their bodies met and Dean held him up. He let Cas rub his forehead against his neck and curl in against him. Dean patted him on the back and kept an arm around him while they navigated the stairs. Dean settled Cas on one end of the couch and started a movie before he retreated to the kitchen to gather food and strength.

 

Dean gripped the countertop as hard as he had held anything, swallowing back tears of his own and trying to ready himself to be the best he could be for Cas. Whatever that needed to be, he would be it. Dean took a moment to text  Sam to let him know he was with Cas now, and Sam said he’d be back as soon as he could after work. Dean told him there was no rush, but he knew Sam would interpret it as not needing to get there ASAP, just as soon as was reasonable. No reason for both of them to ask favors at work if they didn’t have to.

 

Dean set out popcorn and pretzels and beer on the table. He set the whisky and glasses on the floor next to his end of the couch and took a seat. Cas had his head on the armrest at the opposite end of the couch and his legs pulled up in the middle. Now that Dean had sat down he knew it was only a matter of time before Cas migrated to his side. Every time this happened he needed someone to just be with him, to plug the leak of loneliness for awhile and make him feel connected.

 

When they first left hunting Cas had gone on his own for a long time. In fact, Sam and Dean had so completely lost touch with him that they didn’t believe it was really Castiel when he came back to them, weak and alone and human- for good this time.

 

Choice. Free-will. He had to do it, he said. Living as a broken angel in a human world was failing him and he decided to be done with it- to be human once and for all. Humanity he loved, as so many beings liked to tell him, so humanity he would be.

 

And for four months now Castiel was here with them again, though he had not set out to be, and the Winchester boys were doing their very best to heal his very human wounds.

 

“Drink?” Dean offered the best medicine he knew how to offer and Castiel moved to the middle of the couch. He didn’t say thank you and he didn’t even acknowledge Dean except to take the beer from his hands and drink half of it right away.

 

It was a half hour and two beers later that Castiel’s hip pressed against Dean’s and Dean had his arm over Cas’s shoulders. Cas leaned heavy into him and Dean let him. They would watch together and snack in relative silence, and later when Sam joined them and they started into the whiskey Cas would talk and get out all the shit he held in from the last episode he had.

 

“Is Sam coming home?” Cas asked, and Dean startled. Cas didn’t usually talk at this point in the process.

 

“Uh, yeah. After work. Would you rather he-”

 

“No. I’m glad it’s you.”

 

Dean nodded. “Sure.”

 

It didn’t really matter what they watched. After they figured out what was behind Cas’s little episodes they learned it was the best way to keep him calm, and that alcohol was the best way to help him mourn. While giving up his angel-hood had been Cas’s idea, he hadn’t realized what it’s loss would mean in reality. He had lived a long time without communion with his brothers and sisters when angel radio went down and he thought that had prepared him for human life. But the sheer loneliness had brought him back to the Winchesters, and every so often it came to a head again and he leaned in with Sam or Dean quite literally.

 

Another beer later and almost the end of the movie when Cas spoke again. “Is Sam almost here?”

 

“I’m sure he will be. Any minute.” Dean said. “What’s the rush, Cas?”

 

“I just…. start pouring now. We’ll get ahead of him.”

 

Dean shrugged and pushed Cas over a little so he could free his arm and grab the whisky bottle and the glasses he had stowed next to the couch. Heading into this part early might actually get the whole thing over with so he could get to sleep at a decent hour for once. He poured out a double for each of them and nudged Castiel’s towards him on the coffee table.

 

Castiel took his and sipped, grimaced and then gulped.

 

“Dude!” Dean said. Cas set the glass down hard on the table and shook his head violently.

 

“More. Again.” Cas squeezed his eyes tight closed. “Whatever I’m supposed to say.”

 

“Cas, there’s no hurry.”

 

Cas reached out and tapped the glass on the table. Dean checked the time on the wall clock and poured a little into the glass. Sam would be home literally any minute and then Cas would hopefully relax some.

 

Castiel picked up the glass and stared into it for a moment. “I have a thing to tell you. To tell you and Sam. Maybe then you’ll understand why.”

 

“Why what?”

 

“Everything. Dean… it’s everything.”

 

Even Dean, who was used to Castiel’s grand scale had a hard time with how nebulous his sentences could be. ‘Everything’ encompassed a lot of information and Cas could mean anything from why he was drinking so fast to why evolution was a thing.

 

“Narrow it down for me, Cas.”

 

“Why I’m here. Why I-”

 

The door clicked open and Sam came in with a too-wide grin on his face. “Hey, Cas. How are you doing?” He set his bag on the floor next to the recliner and took a seat. “I see you started without me.”

 

“But you’re just in time, Sam.” Dean said. “He’s about to tell us something so that we’ll understand everything.”

 

Castiel turned his eyes on Dean and squinted. Even with lids narrowed his blue eyes felt cold and probing and Dean edged back subconsciously.

 

“Pour him a drink, Dean.”

 

Dean followed Cas’s directions and when he handed the glass to his brother they exchanged a look in that sibling telepathy act that had kept them alive for years. With one glance they both understood that Cas was in a particularly weird place and it might be a long night.

 

Castiel tipped back the glass in his hand again and held onto it, staring into it like everything in the world existed in that glass. Dean was about to prompt him forward, when Cas breathed in deep and shook his head.

 

“I’ve ruined a lot of things- a lot of things in the name of good and some of it I wish I could take back. And there have been things I should have done and didn’t.”

 

“Cas, we’ve gone through this before. Guilt is a human experience,” Sam said. “We all live with a certain degree of it. It’s just that we have more than our fair share with what we’ve done.” Sam drank from his glass then, and glanced at Dean while Cas sat staring straight ahead.

 

“Yeah, Cas. You, me, Sam… we all have big things on our shoulders. Big regrets, a lot of guilt, but like you used to be fond of reminding me, the world got saved. We have to remember that that’s what matters.”

 

“I don’t want to make new regrets.” Castiel said.

 

“That just happens sometimes even when you don’t mean to,” Dean said.

 

Cas didn’t say anything back, just set the glass down and tapped the top. Dean poured, but then looked up at Sam. There wasn’t going to be anymore for Cas after this- he and Sam agreed on that.

 

“I did not expect to be so alone in the world.” Cas said quietly.

 

“We’re here for you, Cas.” Dean said.

 

Castiel stilled him with another narrow-eyed gaze. He practically felt the pain of an actual dagger to his heart. “Are you, Dean?”

 

Dean considered it for a moment. “We are,” he said.

  

“We were apart for a long time.”

 

Dean’s voice stayed low, but when he spoke the agitation he felt was clear. “You left _us_ , Cas. When we decided to stop hunting, you left _us_. I may have made the mistake of leaving you behind before, but I learned from that and haven’t done it again.”

 

“I learned from my time away as well.” Castiel’s eyes flicked to Sam and held his gaze for a moment before dropping back to his glass. He took a long drink, emptying the glass. Dean had already decided not to pour any more for him, but Cas didn’t ask. He stared down at the glass, and nodded once before he looked back at Sam.

 

Dean ignored it. There was some part of this that was made worse by his presence and Castiel had gotten very good at turning to Sam when Dean was irritating the problem. So much of Castiel’s guilt was centered on Dean that sometimes these episodes were best for Sam to mitigate.

 

“What do you need, Cas?” Sam asked.

 

“I don’t know.” Cas leaned back on the couch and back into Dean, his head on Dean’s shoulder.

 

They all sat together for a while, until Sam pushed up from his chair and announced he had homework to do if Cas didn’t need him further. Cas didn’t say anything, and Sam patted Dean on the shoulder as he walked past. He’d be there if Dean needed to trade off babysitting Cas, but Dean would do what he could for the evening so Sam could get his work done.

 

Sam’s steps faded up the stairs and Dean sat with Cas, shifting some to wrap his arm back around Cas’s shoulders.

 

“What do you want to do, Cas? Another movie? More food?”

 

“I want to sit.”

 

Dean started flipping channels. When Cas was content to sit, he really didn’t care what Dean or Sam did, so long as Cas could sit alongside. Dean found a movie and leaned forward to put the remote on the table, finishing the last of the whiskey in his glass and pouring another before he sat back with Cas.

 

They watched together until it grew late. Dean turned off the tv and insisted Cas go upstairs to bed. Dean followed him up and covered him with blankets. This time Cas didn’t even have to ask. Dean took off his shoes and laid down next to Cas like he had so many times when Cas found himself grieving. 

 

“Being selfish enough to be myself is very difficult.” Cas said, staring unblinking at the ceiling.

 

“It’s not selfish to be yourself, Cas. Maybe that’s where you’re getting stuck.”

 

“What I mean is…” Cas stopped and Dean turned his head. Moonlight poured in the window, highlighting the angles of Castiel’ face. His chest moved up and down with each breath and after a minute Dean realized that his chest stuttered.

 

Dean leaned up on one elbow. Cas’s face was wet even though he wasn’t making a sound.

 

“Cas…” Dean said softly. Castiel looked at him and smiled in a grim sort of line.

 

“I left because I was trying to find what I should be like. I knew I couldn’t do that while I was with you and Sam. I tried to find how to be myself.”

 

Dean took a breath. “Did you figure it out?”

 

“I have no purpose. I know many humans live their whole lives with that truth, but I cannot be one of them. I- I want to have purpose.”

 

“So find a purpose, Cas. Lots of good deeds needing done out there.”

 

“I’m talking about something bigger than good deeds, Dean.”

 

Cas went quiet then, still staring at the ceiling. They had all had a calling once- hunting the things that most people didn’t even dream of, saving those who bumped into their nightmares. But then they started ripping themselves apart and doing more harm to the world than good. They left it all behind, ready to live quiet.

 

“What do you need, Cas?”

 

“I need relationship.” He said plainly. “I knew that when I left so I went out and tried to find it. I could have friendship and even affection and- and care, but I could never get to… to letting someone really know who I am.”

 

“Well, you’re hard to explain to someone outside of hunting. Hell- you’re hard to explain to someone inside of hunting.”

 

Cas laughed a soft huff of air. “I believe I’m aware of that. Beyond that, though. I mean letting another person know that I want someone to love me. How do you tell another person that without knowing what they will say? Just the thought that that love might not be returned is crushing.”

 

Dean wished he had brought the whiskey up with him. Cas didn’t need any more, but Dean could sure use another glass.

 

“So I came back. I found you and you took me back and now you sit up with me while I try to decipher the weight of my humanity.”

 

“Let me tell you who you are, Cas. You are loyal and kind. You’re what all humans could be if we wanted to be good all of the time. You’re a- you’re a fucking constellation for chrissakes.”

 

“Was.”

 

Dean kept quiet as he thought. He really wanted that drink. “What do you want, Cas?”

 

“I know what I ‘should’ want.”

 

“It doesn’t matter what you ‘should’ want. What do you actually want?”

 

Castiel went very still, so still that Dean reached over to put a hand on his chest to be sure his heart was still beating.

 

“Cas?”

 

“I want to be here with you.” His voice wavered. “Nothing else is the same as being here. I hope over time we can be closer again like we were before, that you might forgive me-”

 

“There’s nothing to be forgiven.” Dean rolled onto his back. “I told you before. Slate is clean. We’re even.”

 

“And the rest?”

 

Dean licked his lips and took his turn staring at the ceiling, gray in the moonlight. He could feel Castiel’s eyes on him and he breathed in.

 

“I don’t know, Cas.” He felt Castiel practically deflate next to him and he quickly gripped Castiel’s hand. “That’s not me telling you no. You can be here with me. I just don’t know what you want that to be.”

 

“Whatever you want it to be, Dean.”

 

“Let’s just… start here, okay?” Dean squeezed his hand and Castiel squeezed back.

 

 

 

 

Dean woke when light peeked in the window. He was sleeping less and less again lately. Castiel went through his periodic melancholy bouts to deal with his stress and Dean slept less to deal with heightened anxiety. Cas’s dark hair spiked up inches from Dean’s face, and as his eyes adjusted he could see every line of Cas’s profile, over the furrows at his forehead, to his nose rising up, the way his upper lip crested and fell into his lower lip. Cas looked worried even in sleep. Dean lay on his side with an arm slung over Castiel’s chest, and the rest of him pressed up against Cas.

 

It wasn’t so far off, what Cas had said. He needed to know that there was someone that really knew him and maybe that was what they could be to each other. Cas said he needed relationship. Dean knew he did too- with someone other than his brother. Castiel was the only other person who could ever begin to understand the pain that raked through Dean’s soul on a daily basis over past failures and people lost.

 

He didn’t want to move and risk waking Cas, except that he wanted to say it all to him. That he knew what they were now and maybe that would give them both what they needed. Dean leaned in instead, letting his forehead rest against Cas’s crazy bedhead and maneuvering his chin to rest against Cas’s shoulder.

 

Cas shifted and Dean lifted his arm as Cas rolled toward him, a small smile curling his lips. “You’re still here.” Cas whispered, eyes mostly closed. He breathed in deep as Dean settled his hand at Castiel’s waist.

 

“I was thinking. Maybe you have the relationship you’ve been looking for.”

 

Castiel groaned and tucked his face down into the pillows. “I was drunk and lonely. I’ll… I’ll be fine.”

 

“You already have what you’re looking for, Cas.” Dean searched Cas’s face for any sign of understanding, any hint of acceptance.

 

“Dean.” Cas shook his head against the sheets. “Don’t do this. I know you want to fix this for me, but-”

 

“Cas.” Dean’s voice was soft but insistent, and Castiel turned his head to face Dean eye to eye.

 

There was too much to say and not enough, no real words to say that would explain it all. “I know who you are, Cas, and you know who I am. That’s what we’re both looking for, right?”

 

“Some of it.” Cas’s eyes shifted away from Dean’s eyes and his worry lines returned. Dean moved his head enough to catch Castiel’s eye again and he raised his eyebrows, daring Cas to look away. Cas met his challenge, though he looked uncertain.

 

“I want you to be here too. I don’t know exactly what that means, except I know you should be here. With me.”

 

Cas didn’t move or speak. He stared so intently that Dean started to feel uncomfortable even with the tolerance he’d built up to Cas’s particular gaze. Dean didn’t want to look away though. He needed Cas to know that he really meant what he said.

 

Cas made no move to speak though, and Dean swallowed hard before he broke the silence between them. “What do you need, Cas?”

 

“You.” The word hung like a misty breath on a freezing day between them. Cas’s lip quivered and then his chin shook and Dean felt his body start too, but Cas’s eyes stayed firmly on Dean. Dean gripped Castiel’s waist tight and then moved up to his shoulder, willing each muscle along the way to be still. His eyes never left Castiel’s and Dean saw everything in that moment, just the way he had been trained to do, taking in the situation, assessing and acting fast. He could see Castiel holding himself together with every last ounce of willpower he could muster and before Dean could think it through he leaned in and kissed Castiel.

 

Cas pulled away, gasping in a breath, but his eyes spoke what Dean needed to hear. Dean took it all in, assessing and calculating before he kissed him again, insistently this time, reinforced by the hand on Cas’s shoulder holding him firm.

 

“Dean.”

 

“I don’t know, Cas. Just… say you won’t leave me again. I don’t think I can… you can’t go.” Dean’s fingers gripped into Cas’s shirt and he couldn’t look Cas in the eye.

 

“I’m not going away.”

 

Dean nodded, a little numb. There was no plan here, nothing next to anticipate.

 

“Dean.”

 

He looked back to Cas, and Cas was closer than before. “I don’t want you to do this for me.”

 

“This is probably the most selfish thing I have ever done, Cas.” He leaned his forehead to meet Cas’s and he reached down for Castiel’s hand, threading their fingers together. Maybe if he could quiet Castiel’s demons, Castiel could quiet his.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate your comments.
> 
> You can find more of my work at captainawesomeellie.tumblr.com


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